Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Time to Fly...

Just before I opened my old shop in 2002 I got into a car accident with my Ford Bronco II. It was a pretty bad ass little truck...Black & Tan, 4-Wheel Drive. It was an 88' but purred like a lion...haha. It got me through Chicago's brutal winters...I never had to shovel myself out of a parking spot, gotta love 4-wheel drive! I didn't really need a car during the years while I had my shop open. I lived behind my shop. Atomix Cafe...my favorite coffee spot, was a few doors down from my storefront. If I needed a gift, there were plenty of artsy boutiques within walking distance. The laundry mat, grocery store, florist, daughters school all just a hop a skip and a jump away. If I needed to go a bit further, I could hail a cab at the corner or hop on the bus. I had a fun batending gig a few nights a week that put lots of extra cash in my pocket. Life was simple then. After I closed my shop there was this steady slow decline of everything good in my life. For the last 2 years things have been getting better...slooowly. But I have been so fearful in moving forward that something bad will happen or I will f@#% things up! I realize I'm creating obstacles with my self doubt and fear. I have never been an insecure person, but along the way there was a lot of loss of power. I experienced so much tragedy...deep wisdom gained if that amounts to anything. Anyway it's time to get prosperity flowing again...I need a new car and a new broom too! I have a long list of things to submit to the Universe!

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After I had my son 2 years ago I obviously had some weight to lose. I also cut off my beautiful dreads that were below my booty during that time. At first it felt liberating, but then I felt stripped bare like a bird whose feathers had fallen out. I didn't realize how much I hid behind my hair...it was my armor. I started gaining more weight...ugh! I already need to lose pregnacy fat! A friend of mine who is an energy healer called me out on it. I don't know what's the hell is wrong with me! She took a long pause and a deep breath and said..."you don't feel safe in the world...you're physically expanding out into your energy field...to protect yourself" O.K. enough of this shit...I need to butch up and handle my business. I need to conjure up the FORCE and annihilate my demons once and for all! I just joined Weight Watchers...next week is my first meeting, where I get weighed in...ahh! I hate the thought of it, but I need help until I become more self-disciplined! Time to clean house! I used to have an amazing handcarved broom. The broom handle was about 2 ft. long and carved into the shape of a phallus...that's right a giant dick! It was painted with symbols all over it and had a snake running up to the head of the broom. I felt it was time to pass it on and I sold it at my shop. It's time for a new broom and a new life!

10 comments:

Leila Marvel said...

It sounds like you are hoping for the best and want to move on with the better things in life. Congrats on joining WW, good luck, I know you can do it; just takes time. And spread some luck too, I need some positive motivation to keep me sticking with it, been slacking on working out. ugh.

Christine said...

You are not alone in that struggle..the added stress of being responsible for someone else can really throw your priorities out of whack. I have never heard of that put that way..that you are not safe and are expanding literally into the universe to protect yourself..you have a very wide friend and I congratulate you on taking action. I'l be rooting you on!

Christine said...

you have a very w-i-s-e friend is what i meant to say..what a freudian slip, eh?lol

britton said...

Dreadlocks can be an odd crown of power.

Currently I am on my second set of dreads (two and a half years old, now). My first set I was deeply attached to, over time, I realized, in ways that I thought was wrong for myself (self image, etc) out of an act of self humility I chopped them off! I cried and cried ... it was a very hard thing for me to do. I felt so naked, so powerless, so weak. But, in the end I believe I did it for the right reasons.

Now that I have my dreads back, they serve as a kind of reminder, funny how you can see places/time of your life in your hair!

Oh! For dread porn, I highly recommend the livejournal community get_up_dread_up some beautiful heads to be seen there!

<3

Verhext said...

magic mama broom for you!! hopefully it will come flying through your window.

& a car (me too!)??!

good luck & congrats on taking steps.

WhistlinGypsy said...

You've got me thinking- have you ever noticed that most new mothers cut their hair, gain weight? Thinking about what your friend said- maybe the expansion is protection- but instead of looking at it negative, maybe we *need* the extra protection when fitting into the role of mother- in our culture that seems to lack meaningful ceremonies, this becomes a visible way to mark our transistion from 'virgin' to 'mother'... then, when we are comfortable and recognized in our role we are ready to change again. The transistion may not happen fully with the first child- it is a gradual growth, just as the change from child to woman is gradual... anyway, just a thought.

Cars and brooms are both methods of transport, it is curious that you long for both of them at the same time. Where do you need to go?

anyhoo, here is a link to a digital college I did that is based on the 'truth about brooms', part of the beliefs I was raised with. just think it might be interesting to you
http://www.geocities.com/bones_singing/brooms.html

Tecu'Mish said...

You go girrrlll!

Anonymous said...

I am sort of going through the same phase...I recommend reading Women sho run with the wolves..by Clarissa Pinkola Estes..(or rereading)... there are some myths there that speak exactly about what you are going through ...they may help you to 'remember' what to do....
...to help with your weight loss ...eat something every three hours.. and cut down on sugar ... this helps to reset your insulin level..and control binging...

best of luck...
a grecian urn

LADY LAVONA said...

I'm glad I posted this...now I have to follow through..ha!

WhistlinGypsy:
I totally know what you mean about transitioning from virgin to mother. I have a 10 year old girl as well as my 2 year old boy. So I've already settled into my role as a mother. I'm 33 now so I don't have unrealistic ideas about having the body I used to have 10 years ago. But I want to look good and feel good! Right now I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. I'm also feel sluggish...and with two kids in tow I think it's especially important for me to be fit! I need all the energy I can get! So on that note...I also need to start getting more exercise.

I actually eat really healthy food...but...I eat to much of it! I need to retrain myself to eat regular sized portions. I am also a total sugar junkie...even if I just cut out the sweets and bread I would lose so much wieght! God Damn I love ice cream and pastries and fancy chocolate!!!

"Cars and brooms are both methods of transport, it is curious that you long for both of them at the same time. Where do you need to go?"

The car I need for practical reasons...it used to be practical not to have a car but now it's creating obstacles for me. I need to get to and from faster, Time is Money! As for the broom...what's a witch without a broom?

When a vehicle appears in your dreams...the vehicle represents your Will that drives you torward your Destiny on the path of life. Say you are driving recklessly and crash....or falling asleep behind the wheel! Or say someone else is driving you around and you feel lost and helpless...or even if you have a big strong fancy car but someone else is paying the car payment, so you have to all these delays, detours and extra stops because you have this other person to answer to. All these things pertain to your own Will...

Lately I've been dreaming of being in the passenger seat of the car...And there was an invisible force in the driver's seat...which I identified with as "God" It makes sense because I've been exhausted on every level as of late. So I just put my faith in the "Powers that Be" to drive for a while...until I sorted things out...I needed to rest, check out a map look for "road signs". I know where I'm going...it's just a matter of which route I want to take. Anyway, it's time to get back into the drivers seat and take charge of my life!

britton said...
"Dreadlocks can be an odd crown of power."
Tell me about it! I miss being part of the dread family...it's like a Secret Society and I lost my membership privlages. I worked within the Reggae/World Music Community as a bartender for 8 years...all the cute boys and men fussed over me and called me sweet nicknames like "Empress" I literally got the royal treatment. Now when I see Rastas on the street they look right past me...normally most would smile or nod and wave and shout "Raaastafari"!

JADE DRESSLER said...

less is more. it's not loss, you will find yourself. you are a brave and beautiful Mama.